Last days .

The body is not what it once was. It has aches and pains and no longer snaps back after operations nor does it heal well after exercise and work. So i do not know if these are to be my last in a submissive role perhaps i have had my last days already.

The desire is still there but the ability might not be. I feel that there is something not right i cannot put my finger on and i hope this vacation will heal all ills like a good tonic we will see.

So my friends the decision as to what i will be might already be made for me .

arbitray decisions.

I am always willing to make rbitray dicisions on my slave life such as being naked for the day no matter who shows up but i have hedged when it comes to health. I have taken a good period of time to decide on health decisions and operations. This method has not gotten me far s to enjoying mylifestyle but instead made drakor into a boring boy.

SO today i will pose that onld question to a doctor Ido not feel right and if i do not get more then a blank stare then I will get my self back on themeat block for sale by the pound or the beating. That way part of me feels good.

Choice

In day s of old and days gone bye
it would bring a tear to my eye
when evil would win and good would loose
then i would have to choose

in dragon smoke and dudgeon lair we would labour
till the knights would stand in favour
to bring back the light of day from darkest night
dark would loose all would be right

Now the days and knights have changed
no longer easy to see through the smoke and flame
not easy to see where to put teh blame
if darkness is evil and light is right it should be easy to see what is right
eyes do dim and fears do grow we choose what causes the smallest woe

So now we sit on high with chest plates polished and shield in hand
we lie and sell our souls to those of the land
with gold and silver in their hands

Do we fight for right or fear
do we try to make it clear
do we stand with brightness of day
or hide in shadows and shade of evil and dismay

So there is the choice it is easily made
to follow the light or enter the cave
to use our eyes and see the knave
or enter the cave and be betrayed.

slave vs submissive

i was reading up on the differences when i read one dominant who said a submissive is a volanteer and a slave is not a volanteer. Hmm nope cannot seem to wrap my head around that one. I doubt if those that call themselves slaves wish to be sold off to a plantation owner and never see frreedom.

I like the idea that i have no control but i gave up that control because i trust some one that much. I will not junp on a sword for them or do damage to myseld but then i trust them to know what they can and cannot do.I will not sign over title and deed to my house but will trust them if they tell me to lick some ones ass that they are taking the responsibility for that ass to be clean and healthy.

So for me he should have put in another word a submissive is a volanteer and a slave wants to feel they are not a volanteer,

Mentoring can be thankless

Mentoring is a task for any one dom or slave. There are long hours of conversation, long hours of planning and ultimately the mentor is responsible for what they create. There is a lot of frustration for mentors when it seems you are speaking to wall. So few are the good moments in mentoring that they must be appreciated by those mentoring . A dominant that i have been mentoring for close to a year came over a few days ago and during our goodbyes grabbed my testicles smiling said it is fantastic that I can at anytime do this and you have little to say about it. i was astonished as this was a sticking point not doing what she wanted but instead doing what she thought pleased me.

slaves live to please and through that gain pleasure so for me this was a milestone she passed this week.



Le mentorat est une tâche pour tout dom un ou esclave. Il ya de longues heures de conversation, de longues heures de la planification et, finalement, le mentor est responsable de ce qu'ils créent. Il ya beaucoup de frustration pour les mentors quand il semble que vous parlez au mur. Donc quelques soient les bons moments dans le mentorat qu'ils doivent être appréciés par ceux de mentorat. Une dominante que j'ai été de mentorat pour près d'un an est venu il ya quelques jours et lors de nos adieux attrapé mes testicules sourire dit qu'il est fantastique que je peux à tout moment le faire et vous avez peu à dire à ce sujet. J'ai été étonné que cela a été un point de friction ne pas faire ce qu'elle voulait, mais plutôt en faisant ce qu'elle pensait me plaisait.

esclaves vivent à travers s'il vous plaît et que le plaisir de gain, donc pour moi ce fut une étape importante, elle a adopté cette semaine.

Mellowing of the Dominant

Yes those fearsom beings are they mellowing? they seems to not carry the control they once did nor are they as active you could say. Perhaps with all the enphasis on safe sane and consensualhas had an effect. It in my mind was always there as word would get around quickly if some one was damaging property.

I feel it was when the scence begam the new fad. I believe it was at that time that the ranks of the lifestylers were infiltrated by those more into the kink side of the lifestyle. After all teh workd Lifestyle that we have appropriated did not exist when it was a gay perversion when we called it Master slave or Sadist masochist. I do believe we watered it down at that point cleaned it up in the eyes of outsiders.

That is when Dominants could no longer retain the mistique of being gods. A submissive some where questions them inpublic and reduced them to human and. We all knew they were not gods but we let them have their shroud for the benifit of play and our sexual arousal.

Now they say please some times and negociate contracts they told whenthey do things wrong publicly and pushed to improve their abilities or not n bondage or flogging but instead in how can they makes safe and sane how to plese the slave.

Expectations

I believe we base our lives on expectations. SOme of ours but mostly of others. Do we decide on which expectations that we must meet by our desires or sdesires of other. Children often are poushed to their parents expectations or should i say the ones they wanted by could not meet or failed at.

Expectations are a drudgieof society and should not be place as yokes upon us in a free society.

C'est la vie

This would have been a rant but instead it will be a learning experience for me. After repeated emails and calls I found out that my suspicions were well founded. I finally received a short to the point reply from a friend of twenty years. You seem to have drifted to a darkness that we do not wish to associate with. We prefer our dungeons to be a concept rather than a reality. We do not wish further contact with you.

Some that call themselves friends I think in reality mean you must share all their concepts and ideas. A shame I enjoyed their company and resources for medieval weapons and castle building. C’est la vie.

So seems that we are not a liberated society that I thought we were. I did not tell them of my love of bdsm no in this day and age they google my handle and found my blog. Oh well I could hide my blog or not post pictures of my self but I have already removed it once but no longer feel like hiding it anymore it is an expression of who I am and if some one does not like well don’t look ther eis a warning. If more friends wish to raise their hands to their open mouth sand gasp well then I made them live for a few second and gave them hours of gossip that they can spread about like jelly. Hmmm wrestling in jelly could be fun. Not so bad if you can make some one come alive for a few moments.

At this time in my life I must say at times I am very frustrated. I am not at a point where I am enjoying myself nor are there many prospects that I will find what I look for. Perhaps a good thing to leave some old friendships drop by the way side and re-evaluate relations , friends where I am where I want to be . I think those that I have one or two things in common with detract from my time and efforts to move along and enjoy myself. I have done too much mentoring given away precious time to those that no longer say hello. Old slaves might just occupy too much of my time and all the Dominants that never contact me perhaps I shall just leave them alone till they do.

So it is not a rant but perhaps a self-realization I constantly tell one of my good friends that he tries to please and help too many, those not really worthy of his time or just take away from his own enjoyment. Perhaps I too am guilty of that I always thought I was not but it could be in here somewhere. So I guess those good friends of mine that after seeing me naked with a red ass tied to a cross have given me the fodder to get into gear. I guess I should send them a thank you card you one that has me ties up having my balls beat or perhaps hot wax. That sort of goes along with medieval torture does it not?

Okay what did I learn? If you want something you have to understand things cannot stay the same. Things will get broken some will mend other will not. C’est la vie!

What

I read a friends blog today and wonder out loud. She was saying how she is not the sub she wants to be and seems to put the blame all on her shoulders. Yep the hairs on the back of my neck stood up a bit. A slave is as the owner wants or willing to have. They are the ones that train and discipline the slave. So if we do not live up to our expectations it could be our expectations are to blame. What we expect from ourselves and what we expect from others. we become what we are trained to be.

I always said I am a slave the dominants decides but if you leave me alone with out supervision well left to their own means any one will find a way to survive and get what they need.

So what am I

I know that some times I must drive my friends crazy being a switch. I know that some of the old guard do not give much credence in the idea of it. I would have to say that when I am in a relationship where I am dominant I do not think of switching. Sorry do not cheer yet saying finally he decided when I am in slave mode I do not think of switching either.

It is only when I am in-between owners or owning that I try to fill voids. I write a lot for one, my feeling about what I have done as a Dom but it is when I write fiction 99% of the time it is more of my submissive side. When I am alone I do not walk around the house with a riding crop slap at imaginary individuals. Instead I try to act more submissive, certainly I wear fewer clothes if possible none at all. I give out challenges easy to win and post rules that I must follow openly. My fictions stories all relate to me being submissive some how I would say that the it is not equal in time that I express myself as being in Dominant mode.

Obliviously it is easier to enjoy and to clean the house in the nude or panties with the possibility of discovery then to gain from walking around the house yelling at dust balls because they did not clean themselves. My questions is
1. Am I a Dominant that enjoys pain some times?
2. Do I prefer a pecking order rather then the black and white of Dominants and slave?
3. Am I a true switch?
4. Do I have A Dom mindset or just an evil one?
5. Do I love the humiliations and pain of a slave and quite willing to give it away to almost anyone and only Dom when I am not owned.


Just some more things for me to ponder sitting aroundhere in the cold winter air.

Are male submissive trying to be women?

I do not know if that is what is happening when males are submissive or slaves but it is a question that I often ponder. Yes I know there are cross dressers and those that actually go for the change but in the mind of a male submissive I question if that is not the goal of male slaves.

When I think of situations involving a slave I usually picture a female I do not picture myself or another male. I see the weaker of the species to coin a phrase. I want to be in the place of the slave the female. I want to feel the lack of control that the female has felt for centuries.

I have no wish to dress, as women yet love the embarrassment of being dressed in women’s underwear as a means of debasing myself. I might not look it but standing in front of anyone in fillies is embarrassing worse if it is a mixed group. I went once to Breatheless with Mistress Lisa and a couple. She had me dressed in women’s underwear and I wanted to crawl under the table. I did not really want to play and hated when her friends came up telling me how cute I was. I am 6 foot, 200 pounds wearing see through underwear and a teddy that just does not look cute. Yet, I relished the attention of it.

The male slave wishes to be overpowered or show his weakness for strong figures. Does he want to be the damsel kidnapped and taken away? In the old days I never heard often of a prince in distress perhaps in a dress. So my quandary is it that I want to be a slave in chains over powered or do I want to be a female slave more the prize of victory than a vanquished opponent? Another thought is it that I love to be bullied no matter what the sex?

Questions always questions with few answers.

Inspections

I have a love hate relation with inspections . On one hand I love the degrading humiliation of standing naked in front of a future Owner as they look , probe and experiment with your body. Much like you would open and close the doors of a used car.

The inspection does serve a purpose, before you get into service or play there is no surprises on the physically side. It is on display for them They have the right to finger , probe stretch anything they want. While not a session nor is it giving my slavery to them I do give it freely before any titles are transfered. I have a 54 year old body while my mind is still sort of sharp some might not appreciate the body under the clothes . So I let or rather insists that before we come to a agreement they take the time to do a throughly inspection. They cannot stretch me out on a cross and see about pain thresholds but they can deliver a few slaps to see how I mark. what good is it for me besides the humiliation ? It gives me the chance to see how they interact with their property . Their touch is strong or soft, aggressive or laid back it is important for me to see and feel this initial time. Allows me some insight into their nature and what type of Dominant they are

The long term good outweighs the embarrassments, better than say ing yes and finding out afterwards that they do not like what they got sort of letting the buyer beware.So for those of you this is might be what you fantasy you just might not get that on the other end of the line


Before playing any games on line or going farther than a chat well have coffee for a start but make sure an inspection is in order you might be shocked when the clothes are off.

slave mind or just going weird

My wife knows but does not wish participation in having me as her slave. SO I have started a routing . Every morning before she wakes up I make her coffee and serve it to her i her bed. I make the bed every day in the nude she has not questionsed me yet as why in the nude but it usually right before or after my shower. I use my toothbrush to scrub my genitals with tooth paste including my ass crack and between my legs. Just to feel a little of the pain that I wish to have and be able to work through.

So a question or two have I stepped over the edge ? This I think borders on non consensual as I am using her or at least serving her as a dominant. She doe snot like it when I clean the house naked as she fears ht the neighbors might see me .

I wonder if this was offered to another woman by her husband, coffee in bed , meals made , clothes washed and pressed ,dishes washed , house cleaned, naked all the time and at her beckon call Would others feel so so little desire to own a slave? Would they relish and enjoy the service and perhaps take a little part in assuring the slave remains happy in his service. Time to ponder if you have a comment on what you think please let me know

Does it make a difference

Male or female does it make a difference. I think it may be harder for a women to be as controlling oh they can be down right nasty when it comes to verbal humiliation, evil tortures and pain.

There is a difference here when it comes to Male friends and those not so well known. Once when I was subbing for lady Grey eyes a male decided he wanted to check how well I had shaved . He pulled my cock up and felt my balls and I kept composure and did not feel humiliated . I have been taken anally and force to suck a man but again not as humiliating as I thought . Here is the twist to do that to a male friend to have him touch me or force his cock into my mouth or anus would be terribly humiliating to me. It would be like having your friend find out some deep secret afterwards you never know how he would look at you with respect as a friend or as the little cock whore you had just proved to be.

So a quandary male friend is more humiliating but most male friends that are Dominants do not go far enough. Of course the best of all worlds would be a male/ female dominant couple as the humiliation would be increased to be used by a man in front of a woman the humiliation of cuckold. Of course to me a group would absolutely bring me to blush most probably. Surely that would mean any group whether mixed or not there would be enough to arrest power and control from me. Enough for thoughts in dungeon times I will outline what I need to look for well I hope to.

So I have come to my first hypotheses that the dominants should be ones that I have met as a dominants before they become a friend or are able to turn it off and on. Very hard to find. I do not know if being with a perfect strange would be better or not I think it would have more to do with them and their thought process. I would guess I am more interested in a dominant who is out for their own pleasure and that they find that pleasure in evil tortures.

Most of the dominants I have been with are more into satisfying the slaves needs. Some have asked for suggestions some have ask for stories and my fantasies then followed them word for word. I do not think I am a good enough writer to capture what some one else is thinking all the time. So either they are lazy or are trying to give me my fantasy. That of course allows me to still have knowledge therefore power over the situation.

That to me is not being treated as a slave. It is being i control. I guess I need a person that wants to please themselves first. Those that with to use me as an object to please themselves

What would I like to expereince

Easy to sit and write a wish list on things you would like to do or have done to you . Well not for me. Sometimes I lay awake at night with some great fantasy as must we all at some time but with out the ability to fulfill any part of it. Yes I know fantasies seldom come true as reality does not allow the easy transfer from our minds to actual like. So I never try to map out things exactly as was in my fantasy. I try to go for a similar feeling rather than the actual physical act. Very hard to hang by your testicles but hanging something from them is a different story.

So I wanted to take note of things sorry of feelings that I want to still experience. I have not blog in a while due to health issues and questioning the validity of being in the lifestyle. Meaning I have had a lot of time to think about things. First things I have discovered.

My life will never allow me to be totally owned as a slave too many outside forces at work to do that. I have also discovered that while my wife and I do not share the same sexuality at least the same level of it nor the same view of the lifestyle there are many things I do love about my wife. So this is a complication by itself I cannot give over my body totally to another. Even with her acceptance of what I do it would not be fair nor just. What I can do is find partners that understand this and go from their. Yes I had the ideal situation as far as understanding but did not come close to my lifestyle needs at the time.

So I will explore what my needs are , what I want to experience and go from there. These will of course be what I feel I need and would like. As I cannot be a 24/7 to any one I can look to find a close enough experience for me that would be having much longer sessions. Slave mode for a few days can be arranged at a time especially going into summer. Finding some one for two or three days will hard might well provide in intensity what others gain in time. Now for what I want to feel well I think that should be written on dungeon times.

Where would we be now.

So what if we had changed something in our youth where would be what would we be. SO many years ago when I was first into the lifestyle I cam to a point in time Where I to fulfill my desires in the lifestyle I would have had to leave any hopes or aspirations in the vanilla world.

I could go through what I had missed or what is good in my life but I thought it would be fun to decide what point could have change my life drastically enough to allow me to escape to the lifestyle .

I think it was all due to a career decision I made . I was a stock man working in a large retailer here taking night courses in computer programing back when assembler and binary were the main languages and Cobol and Fortran were the new kids on the block. I had three options become a programmer , go into retain in management or become a mechanic.

I was offered a job with the retail company I was working stock for they wanted to pay me less than I earned as a stock man that should have given me a hint. SO then I was offered a management slot in another retailer or I could remain and take courses in mechanics. Well I decided not to have grease as a cologne and went for the position offered. I was instructed on how to rise but I need a perfect life a wide a house kids and a great normalcy. Since the lifestyle was sso fringe at the time I made my choice .

SHould have been a mechanic.

Surpression

I think I suppress many things . Hidden away for my own comfort or others what ever the reason I do it . I hide my emotions only letting them see what I want them to. I have long known this but in a chat today I did not realize that I hide things from my self. I was having a little chat with my friend about humiliation and the wearing of womens clothing. I had for the longest time said this did nothing for me not embarrassed not thrilled to wear them. Yet I have spent hours going through Walmarts and Zeller's lingerie departments looking and buying

That statement allowed me to hide that wearing womens under wear is as much fun as chains and leather I will explain that . Chains and leather manly stuff much stronger bonds then pink ribbons. I hid the fact that it also embarrassed me to do so, humiliating at times to admit to it and if the right people are involved it is a wild experience . The right people and how they say things makes the difference. A sub who was sister to a Domme I played with saw me in panties called me over her conversation was all about the panties i was cringing on the inside so much so I did not realize that she had reached over and pulled them down commenting then on my size saying now she knew how they fit so well there is nothing there and I almost died as the Domme was there laughing . In the eyes of strong people actually all people I want to be seen as some one with strength, I do not want to submit but instead to be enslaved. Having fought hard and loss is more honourable in the eyes of others than to submit to spankings, bondage and humiliation. I could not have my male friends in the lifestyle thinking i was less of a man then they were so i put forth the idea that i did it because the Domme wanted not me. I wanted it and all the humiliation that went along with it I just did not trust my self.

In my fantasies many have me in women's underwear being laughed at by men, pulling at my panties or slapping my ass because my stocking are not straight. Being made sport of insulted about being less of a man while being punished absolutely wild.

I found this out while with Mistress Lisa in a club and one of her friends came along and had a chat with her, Her friend looked up at me a big strong man towering over her and said you look cute while rubbing my ass. She made me feel so small in front of her that it was a high point of the night for me yet i told no one.

When anyone said anything about womens apparel I would say in a nonchalant manner that I could care less . I so wanted then to put me in the frillies so it was a key that I have suppressed like many other things A reason I always say I do not submit because I do not give up those ideas and feelings freely .

Now saying that everything in it's place if I ws at camp again I enjoy being a naked slave it was just a perfect setting to be a naked slave however at other times I would love to be the maid or char women.

beginings

The first insight for me came from a Red haired fifth grade teacher of mine. She stood 5 foot 5. I would say about 140 pounds of pure evil as most would remember their teachers. She carried a 16 inch wood ruler with hockey tape on the end of it. When she spoke it was like she was calculating how she could get you into trouble . Anal and a nit picker. I had fantasies about her till now. I still hear her voice Mr drake what are you doing was a favorite expression of hers. Miss Gerard had green eyes and the temper of a red head. She cause me to think of pain and humiliation s as rewards for being me. If I heard her voice today or some one like her I would freeze in my tracks and check to see if my uniform was right. I later enjoyed her company as a Domme when I was 20 and would say she is the one that started me on the path.

I thought only she would have that affect on me but I would have to say they are others that I get that funny feeling in my stomach when I think of them. Ones that wold give a command in the sweetest of voice right now and i would obey. Personal strength , presentation , self control, or and evil smile I do not know what it is but they still hold my submission in their hands. One recently said that in pictures a hairy ass does not look good, not a command nor even a request. Just a statement of hers a thought and today I sit on a smooth ass. I have not a photo planned in the planned future, I am not meeting any one new, just because I want to hear that is better. Unfortunately , I see most Dominants as teachers and so when they have been able to get my attention they seldom loose it.

So I guess I will be sitting on a hairless ass for a while!