Does it make a difference

Male or female does it make a difference. I think it may be harder for a women to be as controlling oh they can be down right nasty when it comes to verbal humiliation, evil tortures and pain.

There is a difference here when it comes to Male friends and those not so well known. Once when I was subbing for lady Grey eyes a male decided he wanted to check how well I had shaved . He pulled my cock up and felt my balls and I kept composure and did not feel humiliated . I have been taken anally and force to suck a man but again not as humiliating as I thought . Here is the twist to do that to a male friend to have him touch me or force his cock into my mouth or anus would be terribly humiliating to me. It would be like having your friend find out some deep secret afterwards you never know how he would look at you with respect as a friend or as the little cock whore you had just proved to be.

So a quandary male friend is more humiliating but most male friends that are Dominants do not go far enough. Of course the best of all worlds would be a male/ female dominant couple as the humiliation would be increased to be used by a man in front of a woman the humiliation of cuckold. Of course to me a group would absolutely bring me to blush most probably. Surely that would mean any group whether mixed or not there would be enough to arrest power and control from me. Enough for thoughts in dungeon times I will outline what I need to look for well I hope to.

So I have come to my first hypotheses that the dominants should be ones that I have met as a dominants before they become a friend or are able to turn it off and on. Very hard to find. I do not know if being with a perfect strange would be better or not I think it would have more to do with them and their thought process. I would guess I am more interested in a dominant who is out for their own pleasure and that they find that pleasure in evil tortures.

Most of the dominants I have been with are more into satisfying the slaves needs. Some have asked for suggestions some have ask for stories and my fantasies then followed them word for word. I do not think I am a good enough writer to capture what some one else is thinking all the time. So either they are lazy or are trying to give me my fantasy. That of course allows me to still have knowledge therefore power over the situation.

That to me is not being treated as a slave. It is being i control. I guess I need a person that wants to please themselves first. Those that with to use me as an object to please themselves

What would I like to expereince

Easy to sit and write a wish list on things you would like to do or have done to you . Well not for me. Sometimes I lay awake at night with some great fantasy as must we all at some time but with out the ability to fulfill any part of it. Yes I know fantasies seldom come true as reality does not allow the easy transfer from our minds to actual like. So I never try to map out things exactly as was in my fantasy. I try to go for a similar feeling rather than the actual physical act. Very hard to hang by your testicles but hanging something from them is a different story.

So I wanted to take note of things sorry of feelings that I want to still experience. I have not blog in a while due to health issues and questioning the validity of being in the lifestyle. Meaning I have had a lot of time to think about things. First things I have discovered.

My life will never allow me to be totally owned as a slave too many outside forces at work to do that. I have also discovered that while my wife and I do not share the same sexuality at least the same level of it nor the same view of the lifestyle there are many things I do love about my wife. So this is a complication by itself I cannot give over my body totally to another. Even with her acceptance of what I do it would not be fair nor just. What I can do is find partners that understand this and go from their. Yes I had the ideal situation as far as understanding but did not come close to my lifestyle needs at the time.

So I will explore what my needs are , what I want to experience and go from there. These will of course be what I feel I need and would like. As I cannot be a 24/7 to any one I can look to find a close enough experience for me that would be having much longer sessions. Slave mode for a few days can be arranged at a time especially going into summer. Finding some one for two or three days will hard might well provide in intensity what others gain in time. Now for what I want to feel well I think that should be written on dungeon times.

Where would we be now.

So what if we had changed something in our youth where would be what would we be. SO many years ago when I was first into the lifestyle I cam to a point in time Where I to fulfill my desires in the lifestyle I would have had to leave any hopes or aspirations in the vanilla world.

I could go through what I had missed or what is good in my life but I thought it would be fun to decide what point could have change my life drastically enough to allow me to escape to the lifestyle .

I think it was all due to a career decision I made . I was a stock man working in a large retailer here taking night courses in computer programing back when assembler and binary were the main languages and Cobol and Fortran were the new kids on the block. I had three options become a programmer , go into retain in management or become a mechanic.

I was offered a job with the retail company I was working stock for they wanted to pay me less than I earned as a stock man that should have given me a hint. SO then I was offered a management slot in another retailer or I could remain and take courses in mechanics. Well I decided not to have grease as a cologne and went for the position offered. I was instructed on how to rise but I need a perfect life a wide a house kids and a great normalcy. Since the lifestyle was sso fringe at the time I made my choice .

SHould have been a mechanic.

Surpression

I think I suppress many things . Hidden away for my own comfort or others what ever the reason I do it . I hide my emotions only letting them see what I want them to. I have long known this but in a chat today I did not realize that I hide things from my self. I was having a little chat with my friend about humiliation and the wearing of womens clothing. I had for the longest time said this did nothing for me not embarrassed not thrilled to wear them. Yet I have spent hours going through Walmarts and Zeller's lingerie departments looking and buying

That statement allowed me to hide that wearing womens under wear is as much fun as chains and leather I will explain that . Chains and leather manly stuff much stronger bonds then pink ribbons. I hid the fact that it also embarrassed me to do so, humiliating at times to admit to it and if the right people are involved it is a wild experience . The right people and how they say things makes the difference. A sub who was sister to a Domme I played with saw me in panties called me over her conversation was all about the panties i was cringing on the inside so much so I did not realize that she had reached over and pulled them down commenting then on my size saying now she knew how they fit so well there is nothing there and I almost died as the Domme was there laughing . In the eyes of strong people actually all people I want to be seen as some one with strength, I do not want to submit but instead to be enslaved. Having fought hard and loss is more honourable in the eyes of others than to submit to spankings, bondage and humiliation. I could not have my male friends in the lifestyle thinking i was less of a man then they were so i put forth the idea that i did it because the Domme wanted not me. I wanted it and all the humiliation that went along with it I just did not trust my self.

In my fantasies many have me in women's underwear being laughed at by men, pulling at my panties or slapping my ass because my stocking are not straight. Being made sport of insulted about being less of a man while being punished absolutely wild.

I found this out while with Mistress Lisa in a club and one of her friends came along and had a chat with her, Her friend looked up at me a big strong man towering over her and said you look cute while rubbing my ass. She made me feel so small in front of her that it was a high point of the night for me yet i told no one.

When anyone said anything about womens apparel I would say in a nonchalant manner that I could care less . I so wanted then to put me in the frillies so it was a key that I have suppressed like many other things A reason I always say I do not submit because I do not give up those ideas and feelings freely .

Now saying that everything in it's place if I ws at camp again I enjoy being a naked slave it was just a perfect setting to be a naked slave however at other times I would love to be the maid or char women.

beginings

The first insight for me came from a Red haired fifth grade teacher of mine. She stood 5 foot 5. I would say about 140 pounds of pure evil as most would remember their teachers. She carried a 16 inch wood ruler with hockey tape on the end of it. When she spoke it was like she was calculating how she could get you into trouble . Anal and a nit picker. I had fantasies about her till now. I still hear her voice Mr drake what are you doing was a favorite expression of hers. Miss Gerard had green eyes and the temper of a red head. She cause me to think of pain and humiliation s as rewards for being me. If I heard her voice today or some one like her I would freeze in my tracks and check to see if my uniform was right. I later enjoyed her company as a Domme when I was 20 and would say she is the one that started me on the path.

I thought only she would have that affect on me but I would have to say they are others that I get that funny feeling in my stomach when I think of them. Ones that wold give a command in the sweetest of voice right now and i would obey. Personal strength , presentation , self control, or and evil smile I do not know what it is but they still hold my submission in their hands. One recently said that in pictures a hairy ass does not look good, not a command nor even a request. Just a statement of hers a thought and today I sit on a smooth ass. I have not a photo planned in the planned future, I am not meeting any one new, just because I want to hear that is better. Unfortunately , I see most Dominants as teachers and so when they have been able to get my attention they seldom loose it.

So I guess I will be sitting on a hairless ass for a while!